Deep

When I am in the sea, I love swimming out until I can only just touch the bottom with the very tip of my big toe.

But I panic as soon as I am too far out and am in too deep and I hurriedly swim back to the shallows.

I do the same in life, too. I swim to the edge of my comfort zone, to the edge of my safety, but I always make sure I can still touch the bottom. Just.

And I panic when I go beyond this point, when I am no longer comfortable or in control.

But God calls us to go deeper. To swim out past our comfort zone, to go beyond our feelings of safety and security and control.

I have been reflecting on this verse this morning:

"Deep calls to deep"

[Psalm 42:7 NIV]

I don't fully understand this verse, but I think it relates to the idea that when we are in the depths of something, when we are in the "deep" places and we call out to God, His Spirit will call to us and will meet us there. He is the One urging us into new depths in our understanding of Him.

I think God beckons us into the deeper water, into the deeper walks of life because He longs to do a deep and lasting and profound thing in our hearts and in our lives. He is not interested in us simply playing in the shallows.

And if we are honest, how many of us are interested in staying in the shallows, really?

Yes, it's safe and sheltered and secure. But is it really living? Weren't we made for more?

We were made for deep relationship, with God, with ourselves and with others.

We were made for open waters and deep seas. For a dangerously exciting risky adventure with God.

We were made to go deep. And when we do and we cry out to God, He will meet us there.

Ombre

Ombre. 

 

It's French for 'shade' or 'shades' and is a much nicer-sounding word for the current trend in dip-dyeing hair [where the ends of the hair are dyed, usually much lighter, than the rest of the hair].

 

Done properly, the aim is to for the different shades to be indistinguishable and for the lines between them to be blurred.

 

I have had a go at it this weekend.

 

The ends are not as blonde as I would have liked, but are definitely much lighter than the roots.  And I am very pleased with how well I have managed to blend the shades: it is almost impossible to see where the lighter shade begins.* 

 

The light and darkness blend together.

 

Symbolically, darkness and light are important in the Bible: darkness signifies our attempts to live independently - apart from God - and to sort out our own issues, and light represents a life lived in the loving presence of God, made possible through Jesus Christ.

 

Isaiah, prophesying Jesus' birth writes,

"That time of darkness and despair will not go on forever [...] The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine."

[Isaiah 9:1-2 NLT]

 

It is through Jesus that we can leave our lives of directionless, disorientating darkness and walk in the light:

“I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

 

[John 8:12 NIV, emphasis mine] 

 

And it is in this "light of life" - the light of God's glory and love and forgiveness and grace and mercy - that we begin to find healing for our souls and direction for our lives.

 

This is the chorus of one of my favourite songs - 'Healing Begins' by Tenth Avenue North:

 

"This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark."

 

 

It is when the light meets the dark that healing begins.

 

 

 

 

* The trick, I have discovered, is to use an old toothbrush to apply the dye.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Can't Ask 'Why?'

I have just been to watch 'Anna Karenina' at an independent cinema. 

 

I wasn't particularly familiar with the storyline beforehand, but I enjoyed the film.  Especially the intricate and artistic sets and scenery, and the beautiful choreography.

 

Whilst I was watching, a couple of things really stood out: at one point in the film, Anna asks her lover why he loves her.  He replies by saying,

"You can't ask 'Why?' about love."

 

You can't ask 'Why?' about love.

 

This is something I really struggle with.  Both with God's love and with the love of other people.  I forever think that I have to give God and others a reason to love me - I have to earn their love somehow. 

 

Dr. Henry Cloud writes,

"Our 'lovability' rests on the ability of the one doing the loving, not on our merit [..] None of us deserves love that comes our way; we don't earn love.  It is given to us.  Approval can be earned, but love can't."

 

Nowhere is this seen more powerfully than in Jesus' death for us: He showed His love by dying and giving up His life for us, even whilst we were still living in rebellion against Him:

"When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.  Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good.  But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners."

 

[Romans 5:6-8 NLT] 

 

We don't deserve God's love.  We can do nothing to earn it.  But our 'lovability' doesn't depend on us, it depends on God.  And He is a God of love [1 John 4:16].

 

You can't ask 'Why?' about love.

 

He loves us because He loves us because He loves us.

 

 

 

 

Writing and Creating

I love writing. 

 

Stories, articles, blogs, essays, poems.  It doesn't really matter what I'm writing.  I enjoy all of it.

 

I never feel more alive than when I am writing.  It feels as though I am doing what I was created to do and I feel satisfied in the very depths of my being.

 

I have been working this evening on a story I'm writing and I've been really interested in the way that I think as I write.  I know what I want to say and I play around with the words until I am happy with them.  I feel confident and creative and I enjoy both the process of writing and the finished piece.

 

I love the feeling of creating new faces and places,  of describing a storyline unfolding and unfurling.  And I love how the characters seem to come alive in my hands.

 

But when it comes to my own life, I often forget that I have the same creative power.  I have the ability to change the way I see myself or what I believe about myself through my words.  I have the power to create new situations or scenarios for myself.  I have the power to alter how I see myself and how I value myself.  I have the power to decide what or who I will believe about myself. 

 

I have the power to create or destroy, to build up, or to tear down.   

 

Proverbs says,

"Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit - you choose."

[Proverbs 18:21 MSG]

 

So often I don't choose.  I forget that I have this creative power over my own life and, especially, over my own thoughts.  I feel as though I drift along through life, as a passive tourist, rather than as an active participant.

 

But Paul writes about the need for us to be active in constructing our identity and our sense of self and making sure that what we believe about ourselves measures up with what God says about us:

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

 

[2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV]

 

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God.

 

It is with God's word that we demolish the arguments and lies we believe about ourselves: I am not worthless, I am not abandoned, I am not forgotten or forsaken, I am forgiven, I am loved, I am chosen, I am blessed, I am delighted in.

 

And we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

 

If I only let myself believe the things that God says about me, I would have a deep sense of peace and security about who I am.

 

But we have to choose.  We have to be active in writing and creating our identity.  In the same way that a writer has to be active for the characters to live and for the story to unfold.

 

 

 

 

 

Under Construction

The car park opposite my flat is being turned into a block of flats. 

 

It has been boarded up for months, but with my first-floor view, I could see what was going on: nothing much.  It is only in the last month that the boards have come down and work has begun.

 

The ground has been dug up over the past few days and just today, I have noticed that the first foundations have been laid.

 

I am amazed by how quickly the work is being done, now that they have started.

 

It reminded me of the rebuilding of Jerusalem's walls, as retold in the book of Nehemiah:

"Then I gave them my report: 'Face it: we’re in a bad way here. Jerusalem is a wreck; its gates are burned up.  Come—let’s build the wall of Jerusalem and not live with this disgrace any longer.' [...]  They said, 'We’re with you.  Let’s get started.'  They rolled up their sleeves, ready for the good work."

 

[Nehemiah 2:17-18 MSG]

 

As we read the story of Nehemiah, we see that the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem was a collaborative endeavour.  Each section was rebuilt by a different person - all of whom are named in the book - each one adding something to the wall.

 

I imagine that the walls of Jerusalem could have been rebuilt by just one person, but the work would have taken forever.  It would have been easy to become discouraged and fed up and to feel that there was no point in continuing.  But with a group of people each working on different areas, the work was completed much faster. 

 

What's more, the workers could encourage and support each other:

"We kept at it, repairing and rebuilding the wall. The whole wall was soon joined together and halfway to its intended height because the people had a heart for the work."

 

[Nehemiah 4:6 MSG]

 

In the same way, we need others around us to help with our 'reconstruction' work: we can try it on our own, but we will soon become discouraged and frustrated and disillusioned.  With other people around us, supporting and encouraging us, we will find that we can get the work done much faster and much more effectively.

 

We are all 'under construction' and we all need people around us who will encourage us when we feel like giving up, who will build when we are tired and who will remind us of the goal - the finished building - when all we can see is rubble.

 

 

 

 

 

Backtracking

Life is a journey.  Apparently.

 

Sometimes I feel as though I am travelling backwards.  I take the occasional step forward, but my journeying seems to be predominantly backwards.  I am treading over old ground, I am returning to the past.  I am asking old questions, I am revisiting old doubts, I am digging up old wounds and insecurities.

 

All of this feels like a waste of time, and it is frustrating because I feel as though I am moving further away from the horizon. 

 

I want to move forwards.

 

But sometimes, in order to move forward, we need to go over old ground.

 

Sometimes we need to go backwards to get enough of a run-up for the future.  In the same way that athletes prepare themselves for a long jump by walking backwards to get to a good place from which to launch themselves, we sometimes have to backtrack too.

 

That doesn't mean that we relive the past, or become who we were in the past, or repeat the mistakes of the past.  But sometimes in our haste to move forwards, we bury the past and hide it - we don't really deal with it.  And in order to move forwards, we need to properly unearth it and deal with it, so that we can stop carrying the burden of it in the present. 

 

We can leave the past in the past.

 

Paul urged his readers to forget the past and press on to the future.  But we can only forget the past and lay it to rest if we have dealt with it.  If we bury the past alive, it will always catch up with us.

"Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us."

[Philippians 3:13 NLT]

 

Sometimes going over the past feels like a waste of time.  Sometimes it feels painful and pointless.

 

But if we want to jump far and take a leap of faith, we need a run-up.  And if we want a good run-up, we need to backtrack.

 

 

Cake Mix

I have just put a delicious blackberry and apple sponge cake in the oven and have greatly enjoyed licking the bowl.

 

It is always the best bit.

 

When I am baking, it always amazes me how the raw ingredients are transformed when they are combined and cooked.  Although technically edible raw, the uncooked ingredients by themselves aren't particularly tasty - sugar, butter, flour and eggs.  But combined into cake mix, they are somehow transformed into something delicious.

 

And when they are cooked, they create the most wonderful sweet sponge.

 

Heat changes everything.

 

In the same way, we are changed by 'heat' - by those situations and circumstances and difficulties that 'test' us. 

 

When we find ourselves in tense and pressurised conditions, we often find that we are transformed, too.

 

The Bible compares these situations to the purification of metal by fire:

"These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold."

 

[1 Peter 1:7 NLT]

 

If we are never 'tested', if we never experience difficult circumstances, we will never change or mature or grow.  We won't be transformed.  We will remain as cake mix which, whilst it is delicious, is not all that it was meant to be.  It is not the finished product.

 

And when we face these difficult trials and tests and temptations, the Bible says that we don't need to face them alone.  God will be right there with us and will always give us a way out.  He will take the metaphorical cake out of the oven before it burns.

"No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.  All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it."

[1 Corinthians 10:13 MSG]